Honey Song

I can’t know

everything a woman must know

to be safe.

But I still try,

like honey sucker birds dig their beaks in,

just to see what’s on the inside.

Honey i just want to be safe.

Honey, I want to be safe.

Honey if you’re in there,

tell me it’s going to be ok.

I dig at you

I don’t ever mean to,

honey if you’re in there,

I just want to feel safe.

Advertisements

My Heart is a Skeleton

I wish I was bony for you.

You’d have nothing to contend with.

I wish I was bony for you,

so you could find my heart just the way it is.

 

I wish your touch could find me.

And I wouldn’t wonder how it does.

I wish your touch could find me,

and I could be right there as it does.

 

And sometimes,

you learn most about you,

when you’re talking to someone about them,

blind as a bat.

And sometimes,

you learn most about you,

when you’re talking to someone

and not really listening.

 

I wish I was just a skeleton.

So I could be myself around you.

I wish I was just a skeleton

so you could learn about me from scratch.

Iluka

Lonely lonesome man’s got a marching band inside his scone. And I leave his van to escape my own. Travelling, I crush the dew on the grass like the holocaust under my cuban heels. He’s left there, sleeping I guess.  A concave mattress within his moving shell.

Pumpkin vines and weeds are to my left, they scamper over something which was once a garden bed. And I think of the present and how it dishevels the past, leaves it unrecognisable sometimes. But the weeds and them vines of pumpkins were once just a seed buried for ron. To be presence of past’s song. They are wild as I pass by, smirk at me in morning light. But I am good with the lord.

Chickens peck, in a bunch, like a flock of fluffy grapes. How long had they been up for? Because light has only just gathered us in its hands. The house sits flat on the land. Roof dotted in red red rust. Her corrugated iron hat keeps an arm’s length over the veranda’s edge. No railings, just boards that come to a stop a leap from the land. And clumps of pale grass feel young again. Stiff, each blade’s got a hard-on from the cool. I’m not sure where to go. Inside the house she’s cold as an old man’s vertebrae, and outside I will be seen and I’m not sure I want to be.  I chose a warm perch. The kangaroos watch as I settle, arse to the earth. They’ve stopped chewin, five or six of them up straight. I keep still as I can so they don’t leave me.

A bee hangs around, hovers above my pointed knee. There are flowers around me. For spring’s clover it is too early, they are tiny lilac blossoms. But the bee has no interest in them, instead he finds a plain stiff blade in between my knees, a hard-on perch of perfect symmetry. And he looks up, wings down, eyes like the goggles of a pilot. ‘What the fuck do you want?’ I go. My ciggie goes out and the lighter is back at the van.

The door is open and there is he flicking through his phone. Hop in he says and so I do. Wrongness and rightness dance like capulet and montague and inside is a blue hue. An Australian flag blocks out the back window, and I count the stars as I lay by his nook. He comments on how uncomfortable I look and I tell him I’m pretty  comfy. ‘Not like that, you know what I mean.’ And I’m not sure I do cos to be fair he doesn’t seem to care. ‘You would have taken off by now, if your ute was here,’ he says. And would I have? I think about that.

Boxy Sting Girl

My mind was eating me up she said in her defense. The weekend was long, and anxiety ate at her like red foxes into calves’ wet umbilical cords.  The thing is with foxes and calves’ umbilical cords is the foxes don’t know when to stop, they’ll just keep chewin until barely a calf is left. Something had to be done, it didn’t feel good anymore.

What is it about time that can change something from being so meringue gooey and light as a prawn cracker sat on the side of your chinese stirfry, crunchy yum tingly on your tongue? He flew her up like a kite. Every day was a series of pirouettes. And then she woke up one day and she only had the desire to run. She wanted to be the evil one. Because she knew the initial sheen of her had rubbed away, time did it, time did it like it does, in the wave of everything,  of him and her, it had exploded and rested again and she could feel the salt creating a crust over her where her sheen once was. There is a period after the wave, where lust has time to settle before love begins. Where there is no sheen. Where the goblins are out and the erection problems, the weird fetishes, the penchant for jealous remarks when one is feeling uneasy, the demand to be phoned when one needs reassurance. And this is a time of no control. To have control during this part you aren’t in it, you are playing a game. This is the time you are as raw as a burn. Naked from an unflattering angle.

She almost hated him. She almost hated him for doing this to her, planting her right here. She had no choice she wanted to be evil, evil in the way she had learnt. Like that time life had taught an old dog (her) new tricks (disconnected sex with multiple men in the one week in the same bed sheets and having a giggle at it, at their expense). She felt powerful then. Impenetrable. Untouchable. She started fantasising about that kind of thing. She started playing a game with him and had no desire for anything else. Every bit of her was electrified and she was ready to sting sting sting like a teeny little deadly jellyfish with a head like a box. This was no way to begin love, she knew that. But what could she do? She had spent enough time around poppy seeds, men with drumsticks and surfboards for noggins and poppy seeds for nuts. And transference took hold. He was just like everyone else. He was not fucking special.

What is a man? A man can only be called a man when he has the ability to stand up when he sees something he likes. A man can only be called a man when he doesn’t drag any poor sod along for his own personal gain. A man can only be called a man when he doesn’t make a sod wait through his um and ar while he digs around for his own scrotum. Men fear far more than women. Women rebirth, we bounce back. I suppose that is why we can begin love easier. We find that camphor laurel root – the pest – when flogging a dead horse becomes too much, and we dig it out. And we may cause a spectacle in doing so, tears and chardonnay and diggin ciggie filters out from between the boards of the deck to keep feeding our wretched over-talking mouths which have gone through the same details for the 64th time. But it all fades  with momentum once we have exorcised ourselves, vomited and purged and shat people to tears. Men sit in their own shit, they sit soiled, it squelching around while they drink and do what they need to and chat up birds in bars, get that remedial warm meaningless wetness on their tip “yeah i’m fine,”  they’ll say. And then a few months in they’ll realise they are still thinkin of her. She ain’t gone. She ain’t in oblivion where they tried to fuck her to. She is still in his head.

She kept busy over the weekend, she did funny things like exercise heaps. Why was she so nervous? Was she worthless, did she really feel that way about herself, or did she truly just know, when the time came, he would back away. While skulking around, and exercising her way through the fight to be a boxy sting girl, would you believe, a past lover called her from the desert. It had been 6 months! God had she wanted him. She had spent the initial weeks in agony. Staying up all night looking at the moon, reaching out to him, telling him she could not sleep. And he was so mean. She’d got done after a bit with floggin the dead horsie. She cut him like brie and sent him sliding on a cracker. But there he was, after so long, his voice on the other line, reaching out. She had chicken stew on the stove and while he was talking, she just kept wondering about the chicken stew. “I gotta go,” she said eventually, “I have chicken stew on the stove.”

Monday came and she couldn’t wait any longer. Half of her was already on that hypothetical motorbike, the one Neil Young talks about, the one his muse rides with her long blonde hair flyin in the wind and only thing gonna stop her was him being Mel Gibson. She got him to call her. He seemed reluctant. Did he know what was impending, she knew him well enough to know he probably did. He called and she told him she wanted to run and he asked her why and she told him. She told him that she’d started comparing everyone else to him. “How do you feel about me?” She asked. And what a thing to ask, could you be anymore nude, and hairy, with bat wings running down your legs for pubes before him. He sighed, and he breathed deep. “I’m not serious about you,” he said.

On Smokey Big 

The day I realised the big smoke was going to kill me was the third time around a certain time I approached it from being elsewhere. It, lit up like black hairs coming out of a mole. I was filled with such trepidation, consuming trepidation. Overwhelming trepidation that made me so sad suddenly my mind flicked to suicide. Not the act of doing it, but the feeling of what was the point of living, living with this god damned trepidation which followed me all the way back home and weeks and weeks after, the hum of sadness like an air conditioner that drips water inside and outside. And my mind numbed to survive.  I couldn’t breathe for a bit and I’m not even kidding and then I got used to not being able to be able to breathe and I thought about how many people that must happen to and they just get on with it until they are laying there dying and thinkin they could’ve done things a bit better. Because that’s what big cities ensue. I never belonged. I was just three marvelling at the cows out the window on holiday.

Mum used to tell me there’s not a pill for everything. She used to tell me that alot. “Chloe,” she’d say, “there’s not a pill for everything.” Mum was right but still surely there was more to life than suffering. I don’t wanna speak bad about me Ma but she likes suffering. Maybe it’s her way to feel strong, I don’t know. Staunch stiff upper lip stuff, she likes it. I see the same in my gran, get on with it, don’t be too fanciful. See I see strength in breaking the mould, being selfish for a bit to work it all out and then being able to give. Give so fully the ones around you are so filled, and you are filled, just by giving and it’s not ever a leverage thing – you are able to give because you know who you are and are truly happy. I’m red blooded with spirit, too much perhaps. Maybe I am still a child but I just can’t hack the thought that we should just have to put up with things. Things that leak inside and outside. I wasn’t looking for a pill, I wasn’t even looking for an anti venom for lacking existence. I just wanted to sit somewhere nice. And for me it’s where the birds sing loud. And the sides of the road are lined with grass so tall it looks down on Claudia Schiffer.

A Song for Rest

How many times have I exclaimed perfection for the ones who possess my mind? I’ve lit them each up like a fire. And sayin it outta loud purring as I go feels real nice. Cos that’s the sound of the first syllable. Does it make me feel like I seal it someplace and can lay down and die? Maybe I’m lazy for ever uttering the  word. Over wine and cascading smoke from my mouth hole to the lovely lassies who ask how I am. Cos I think now snug in enough days since each of the collection of limbs I once spoke of and I only think now that it’s kinda nice that people do serve their purpose.

Perfection fades quick and I feel silly for a bit but I don’t dwell. I just pretend I never said it. Like a drunken night. But now I am confused. Cos I don’t know what is what. And when I think darling of you as perfect which at the moment I do believe, I second guess myself. Is my heart only yearning for rest? I crave rest and yet I don’t. Cos I had brekky with all these couples. And they looked so neat and tidy. They smelt like laundry powder and nothing had a crease in it. They smelt of never having sex. But maybe that was my judgementalness coming through over avo on toast. I saw the husbands watch me dance the night before. I couldn’t help it, I’d look up and there they were. I knew they had once looked at their wives like that, they must have to have ended up where they were. If that’s was what rest is well that makes me so sad. How gorgeous is someone just doing their thing and being free. Maybe they envied me. Maybe it was nothing sexual. I never want to be the battleaxe. I fall so out of love and out of appreciation. And I can cut and I can create a brand new start better than Van Morrison. It makes me so scared and insecure. Cos you are what you desire and you know what you know. And when your mind is able to detach so bluntly and blatantly and you know you are just as human as everyone else how can you trust someone will ever really truly love you?

Murwillumbah

A family comes down the ramp at Sunnyside shopping centre. He, in fluro orange, sized XXXL, a four wheel drive of a man, big as a Nissan Patrol. Silver beard and balding, the hairs above his lips taking on the sheen of nicotine. And she, the body of a grapefruit. Waddles as she walks, thighs rub together like tectonic plates colliding. Tsunami Sal. Once upon a time quite a looker, a cheeky binge drinker, deep throating Dale in the back of his Hilux like no other. He is one of the ones on the road works. Not the one holding up the signs, that’s for the soft cocks. He’s one of the ones who doesn’t quite look like he’s ever not on smoko, and he still comes home cranky. Cos she ain’t as beautiful anymore and he forgets when he’s looking at the back of her, washin his dishes, his gut full, the back of her like the whole of America, that he is not the Mona Lisa either. And the kids, exotic names to give them a good start. Names that sound as beautiful as all the places Dale and Sal saw on the tele. Venice and Skye. They think their mum and dad are holy. They’ll hold onto the shopping trolley as mum packs it up with loaves of tip top and frozen meat pies and pizza shapes and cordial. They fight for the spot on the back, where the steel sits between the wheels, just to hold on, while mum piles it up with the bargains and the shiny glimmering rainbow packets, she’ll give them a backhander if they aren’t careful. But they have no idea. They are fluffy and floating. The world is lit up like a fish tank and they are there, crouched on their knees, noses squished the glass, amazed.  The world is amazing.

Squid

It’s funny how you can have people around, sometimes alot of them, sometimes enough of them to make you feel you have no time to yourself, and you feel alone.

Some people just do life with you but together you’re not really experiencing it. People flock to people like gorgeous cockroach tape, not questioning, just nibbling. We don’t want to feel alone. We scuttle to fill the voids, scuttle under the ovens and into the back of the fridge, we scuttle to find the putty.

I don’t do that anymore. You know I went to a party a while ago and I hardly talked to a person. I just danced. I danced in red pants. To them I was a weirdo. To me they were sheep going to slaughter. I find it sexy when someone can be alone. I find it sexy even if it’s me. I felt sexy that night. By the end four men were sniffing around. They wanted a piece. To them I was alone, vulnerable perhaps, shaking for their pleasure, their very own bird of paradise. To me I just didn’t care, I wasn’t thinking about them, I wasn’t thinking about me, I wasn’t thinking about anything. One approaches me and he goes, “you hate men I can tell.”

“Do I?”

“Yes,  you do.”

The DJ changes the disk, and its a corker. I close my eyes and sway, arms rising like serpents. He stays and waits to think of something to say.

“Why don’t you give me a chance?” He calls into my ear.

Serpent arms are eating up the air, the MDMA has really got me, I’m in the bliss zone.

“Well?” He calls out again.

The beat starts picking up and i’m really shaking, head tilts back, hair like seaweed dancing, lights on my face, I’m grinning like a garden gnome.

“How bout I give you a ciggie instead,” I go.

It’s important to surround yourself with those who together you burn, you’re alight, you glimmer, crack and create heat as well as the comfort. Intimacy for me is that kind of thing. That togetherness. That twin. I live for the moments of togetherness. I float forever to an extent without them. A squid plummeting airlessly in the depths of dark blue. I need some sort of grasp on me, I think we all do. Sometimes it’s good though to chose nothing even when your choices are limited. Settling, settle after settle chizzles us down. Maybe I’m just too tired to fabricate now. Time alone is good. You don’t always have to love, to desire, to output, to  have somebody there for the sake of warmth. Sometimes it’s nice to just be that little squidy. Dancing with no clue where in the dark blue you’re going to.

Spinach in a Glass

I won’t drink so much when I’m not lonely anymore. Drinking makes me like Popeye in the night times and we all gotta spend a little part of the day feeling strong. Sometimes I go two kilometres extra over the speed limit to get home quicker. It’s not like I’m salivating for it or anything, like when the waitress is coming towards you with the sizzling plate of Mongolian quail sending smoke into the restaurant sky and your lips are wet and parted. It’s nothing like that. It’s not the taste of it that gets me going. Sometimes I can taste egg. Sometimes little fruit flies are in it and I have to dig them out with my fingernail before I keep going. What I love is two sips and I feel warm, two glasses and I feel strong. Like spinach in a glass.  And your boss could be there right then and tell you that you fucked up and you made the worst mistake the company has ever known and you won’t feel sorry cos your conscience has a bone to play with. You’ll just get up, with that delightful deep red stained on your lips, with that egg glass in your mitts, the fruit flies buzzing round, and you’ll tell him the bravado wasn’t fooling anybody, cheerio fingers always mean cheerio cock.

Joy and a Two Rows of Teeth Smile

 

The face started living under my lids. Joy and a two rows of teeth smile. And I was the little girl with the house mouse in the shoebox under the bed, poking carrots and bread crusts into the holes to keep it alive.  I would use the face in the night times to help me feel complete. I lived alone then.  I liked living alone and I didn’t like it.  Sometimes living alone made me think about how long it might take for my body to be found if I died from choking. Sometimes living alone made me feel like I had gotten too unrestrained because I’d find myself doing things like things I don’t really want to talk about and playing the same songs over and over. Picturing the face put an anchor on me. It became my nightly ritual, a clockwork miracle, I’d get nicely stoned and crawl under the doona and take off my pants. The face would meet me at my little front door.  Black beard darker, longer. Hair different, all the beads and shells gone, hippy boy a man with eyes brighter, joy and a two rows of teeth smile. And I wouldn’t say a thing I’d just jump, my wrists brushing his backpack as they met around his neck. Reach for that slug tongue with mine, his beautiful lips like fat happy leeches, my ankles like pythons at the back of his knees. We’d do it right there on the staircase. Our throbbing bodies quivering with instinct and sweat like we were creatures of Charles Darwin and there was nothing else. And then he would not let my eyes go. Stubborn man eyes. Eyes of a man who has found his woman and he’s not scared about that. He’d cup my face in the curve of his hand and say I love you. This is where he’d tell me he always had. I’d be sitting there on top of him, with him still in me as he’d tell me what the outer suburbs of Melbourne were like.

This nightly ritual went on for months. This or something similar. Sometimes we’d fuck in my garden instead of on the stairs for instance. And it would be just like the last time we fucked in real life where my eyes couldn’t keep straight and I was on top and we had to keep quiet. We’d been watching Carl Barron on the tele and he put his hand over my mouth because I was being too loud and was only supposed to make a noise when Carl cracked a good one and the audience laughed. It’s May now and I still feel like a rigor mortised kangaroo corpse at the thought of my skin under someone else’s weird little hands. I don’t even usually like going on top but I felt so free.

I’ve got a problem. I like turning into a goblin. I like turning into a goblin just to see what happens. I don’t know why I do it but I kind of do. I think it’s to find the real man. I think it’s to find Mel Gibson on horseback tearing through the village with a spear.

He had been so beautiful that night. Attentive, getting me scotches. He was sitting there wearing my little house like a glove. He looked so good. I loved the way he dressed. He’d wear footy shorts and have beads and shells in his hair and big feet like he was everything and none of it. Was I really in love with him? It felt there right then it was far to soon like it must have been a sickness in me. Can you say you love when you have only backstroked through the yum?  I was disgusting. I couldn’t help but keep looking at him. I liked him there. I liked him sat just like that with his knees bent and bare feet tucked neat beside him, wearing my house like a glove and I never ever wanted him to leave, so I said it. I said do you think I’m stupid. He looked at me like I was holding a cat by its tail above the furnace. I said you are a tiger, do you think I think I can bring you in from the wild and not have you resent me. He wanted me to stop but I kept going. I kept going until he left.

And a lady came to my house. She had wedgetail eagle feathers and sage. He had been back in the outer suburbs of Melbourne for a while. I had written a poem for him and he’d been mean back, I’d fantasised about him twenty one times. She asked me if it was ok if her dog was in the room. He was a little jack russell. I said it was ok. She went to my heart and she cursed.  She swept the wedgetail feather over my heart, I felt the wind it made, I smelt the smokey homey tang of sage and asked her if everything was ok. Your heart, your heart, your heart, your heart! She said. And I just go, I know.