On Smokey Big 

The day I realised the big smoke was going to kill me was the third time around a certain time I approached it from being elsewhere. It, lit up like black hairs coming out of a mole. I was filled with such trepidation, consuming trepidation. Overwhelming trepidation that made me so sad suddenly my mind flicked to suicide. Not the act of doing it, but the feeling of what was the point of living, living with this god damned trepidation which followed me all the way back home and weeks and weeks after, the hum of sadness like an air conditioner that drips water inside and outside. And my mind numbed to survive.  I couldn’t breathe for a bit and I’m not even kidding and then I got used to not being able to be able to breathe and I thought about how many people that must happen to and they just get on with it until they are laying there dying and thinkin they could’ve done things a bit better. Because that’s what big cities ensue. I never belonged. I was just three marvelling at the cows out the window on holiday.

Mum used to tell me there’s not a pill for everything. She used to tell me that alot. “Chloe,” she’d say, “there’s not a pill for everything.” Mum was right but still surely there was more to life than suffering. I don’t wanna speak bad about me Ma but she likes suffering. Maybe it’s her way to feel strong, I don’t know. Staunch stiff upper lip stuff, she likes it. I see the same in my gran, get on with it, don’t be too fanciful. See I see strength in breaking the mould, being selfish for a bit to work it all out and then being able to give. Give so fully the ones around you are so filled, and you are filled, just by giving and it’s not ever a leverage thing – you are able to give because you know who you are and are truly happy. I’m red blooded with spirit, too much perhaps. Maybe I am still a child but I just can’t hack the thought that we should just have to put up with things. Things that leak inside and outside. I wasn’t looking for a pill, I wasn’t even looking for an anti venom for lacking existence. I just wanted to sit somewhere nice. And for me it’s where the birds sing loud. And the sides of the road are lined with grass so tall it looks down on Claudia Schiffer.

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